post-heartbreak thoughts, unfiltered

I’m used to getting heartbreaks now. And what does that mean? Does it mean I’m constantly making bad decisions? Does it simply mean I tried and it didn’t work out? Will this be my “fate” in “romantic relationships”? Will it keep being a trial and error situation?

I know it’s not as simple as that and still I ask myself: Will I just get used to heartbreaks until I feel numb? Until I don’t feel the pain anymore? Until I give up altogether? Or is it not me? Is it them? Is it just a sum of circumstances out of my control?

I do believe how other people decide to treat you is out of our control, but what I can control are my own (re)actions. And for me, no matter what I do, but especially in all my relationships, I try to lead, decide, act and speak with love, care and compassion.

I find myself keep hoping, making an effort and putting in work because I believe it will be worth it. Doesn’t mean I’m not seeing when someone is treating me less than I deserve, but I am a believer in change, in second chances because I know we are human and for us to truly connect on a deeper level, there needs to be space for us to figure things out, to sit in discomfort and to find common ground in differences. There needs to be time and space for us to learn, to evolve, to meet each other with grace and patience. Holding that space, to me, means love. It is a practice rooted in kindness, love and care.

I know life is busy and hectic but then again it is also our decision to get along with this hectic life or if we want to move at a different rhythm and create our own space in time. And isn’t it a bit limiting to believe there is no other way? That today’s life is just fast like that? I don’t believe that. Because how come when I sit down, close my eyes and take deep breaths, I feel that time is standing still?

In these moments, I feel and know that our bodies were never meant to fit into a rigid, fast-paced schedule or to function like machines. Our bodies and souls were meant to follow our own inner rhythm and be carried by our own flow in time.

This calmness, this clarity can be scary. It is scary to realize how easy we fall into this trap and function on auto-pilot, following rules and rhythms "just because", instead of listening to our bodies’ needs.

I’d love to see what the world and our relationships would look like if we all just slowed down for a bit, taking our time. I dream of a rested, intentional world where we allow ourselves to take our time, to feel, to hold space for our own and other people’s emotions, where we can hold space for contradictions and challenges as long as we’re willing to learn, as long as we stay compassionate and open to nuances and differing perspectives.

After more heartbreaks than I can handle, I asked myself: Why am I still trying? And then I feel and know in my heart, that for me, there is no other way. Cause what is life without love? What is life without hope?

And the biggest thing for me is – I know in my heart that I was meant to live life this way and I naturally will attract humans and energies that are aligned with these values. The amount of love and care I put into myself and into this world will come back around.

My journey of learning, growing and cultivating that deep appreciation and love for myself opened my eyes & heart for the people who see me, for me to be seen and for me wanting to receive that deep appreciation from others.

It is still a process, and this is just a snapshot of my current state of mind and it might change.

I guess my conclusion from all this is: even after the multiple heartbreaks, I will rise again, I will stand with open arms and an open heart, ready to love and be loved, again and again.