the myths of self-love

Self-love. A concept, an idea, a feeling that people either fear or long for. Some make self-love as their goal to arrive at. Some, and let’s be honest – probably all of us – have struggled with self-love at some point in our lives. Especially those whose bodies do not fit the “norm” and “standards” that have been constructed and upheld by society until today.

So, what is self-love exactly? What does loving myself look like?

I know, big questions right.

Let me start off by saying what self-love does NOT mean.

It is not “I have made all the right decisions in my life, that is why I love me”.

It is not “I am so good at xyz, that is why I love me”.

It is not “I have everything figured out, that is why I love me”.

To summarize: It is not “I am perfect, have no flaws and that is why I love me”.

It is “I do not have everything figured out but I trust that I will figure it out on the way. I have faith in myself and truly believe that I will be able to handle whatever comes my way. There is no right or wrong decision, there is just a decision. And if the decision brings me to a different outcome that I had planned, I trust that there is a reason for it. It is the universe redirecting me.”

This deeply rooted trust is the foundation of self-love. In the acknowledgment, the embracement of our imperfection and the knowing that we do our best with what we know, we find love.

Love is in the forgiving and gentleness toward ourselves.

Love is, allowing ourselves to make mistakes and centering courage and trust to try new things, to reach for the stars and to dream big.

Love is reaching out to others for support – especially in times of darkness and hopelessness - because we know that life is not meant to live alone. Life is meant to live in communion, in connection. This deep knowing and practice, is love. Knowing what I am capable of while knowing I can rely on others as well, that is love.

Love is listening in to our body’s signals, tending to our bodies’ and soul’s needs. Nurturing us with things that nourish, energize us and bring us joy.

Love is acknowledging all the pain, making space for it, to then let it go and let it transform into a beautiful seed of growth. Welcoming challenges with curiosity and trust – that is love.

Self-love is a journey and it is work. I wish I could tell you that self-love magically fell into my lap, but it really did not. The beautiful thing about it is though, to realize, that it is possible. If you would’ve told me ten years ago that I’d love myself with all the flaws and imperfections like this, I would most definitely not believe you. I wouldn’t even be able to imagine what it could look or feel like.

Self-love is a constant practice, it is a daily choice you make, to devote your time and energy to getting to know yourself. To distinguish between what your heart truly wants and not what other people tell you what you must like or love.

It is the long journey of asking yourself: Who am I? Who am I outside of the external noise (society’s, families’, friend’s, other expectations, projections)?

Self-love starts at the realization that we are (despite what we were made to believe) truly the writer of our own story.

So, the big question is: Will you choose to take the driver’s seat and head towards autonomy and intentionality, or will you take the passenger’s seat, watching everyone else make the decisions for you while you watch your life pass by?

It sounds so obvious, the choice that we would make – at least that’s what we tell ourselves because it looks good in theory.  But in practice – and here I speak for myself – we spend YEARS, decades even, in the passenger’s seat.

I was in the passenger’s seat for a WHILE, until four years ago, for the first time in my life, I asked myself: Who THE FUCK am I?

From that day on, there was no turning back and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I’ve let go of everything that I had known, about myself, about the world, about my family and friends. I curiously asked myself: What do I want? How do I want my life to look like? Until I quickly realized, that is not about how my life looks like but rather how it feels like.

Naturally I progressed from reading self-help books and podcasts to actually living life, to experience new things, to get out of my comfort zone. So, what I did – without even knowing it – was: I created the life that I desired.

I started to pursue dancing more, I’ve started sharing my poetry and texts publicly, I started heels dance – all of these things that were visions I had in my head since I was little but never really trusted myself enough to go there. I did not have that belief and trust that I have now. So, I went in there, shakingly, nervously, with fear. But I did it. And I told myself: “It is better to have tried than not try at all”. It’s true what they say: the things we don’t do are the ones we regret the most.

Let me tell you, four years ago I didn’t suddenly believe in myself. I was just tired of listening to what others have to say about my life. This impulse in my heart and body kicked in, this craving that screamed: “I WANT TO LIVE. I WANT TO EXPRESS MY SOUL, MY HEART”.

Funny enough, in reality, it wasn’t a scream at all. It was just a little nudge. A little voice (the core of my soul actually) that was suppressed for too long. I just wasn’t used to listening to it and/or to even hearing it.

From my own experience, I’ve learnt that you reach your core when you tune out the external noise. When you make space for calm and silence to actually hear and listen to what your heart wants, you get to your essence. By practicing this, that little nudge gets bigger, louder, until you finally find your core in the center. Everything else? You work around that core. And that my love, is dedicated, intentional love.

Fast forward to today, I see how many things (and way more) that I manifested, actually happened for me the last one or two years. And believe me, when I say, I started this journey without knowing where I will be.

And this is the deep trust that I mentioned before. I started at zero. I just decided to take the risk, with a sprinkle of hope. And in that risk, I had built the faith and deep trust in myself.

I proved myself again and again: I can trust myself. I proved this to myself by showing up every day – even if or especially when it was not easy. By making difficult decisions and realizing it wasn’t so bad at all.

Believe me, for the longest time I really did not have faith in me. What helped me, aside from just doing the things and learn through lessons in life, I affirmed and manifested the shit out of me: I basically put 50 affirmations all over my apartment and luckily it worked for me.

I mean it’s simple math: The more often you read or say the same thing repeatedly, over time you speak it into existence. And this is very true for negative thought patterns (e.g. for the longest time I thought I was not smart enough in school – now I know my neurodivergent soul was just not made for the rigid school system).

So, why not create a warmer, more loving space with intentional, affirming and empowering words? One affirmation that I needed back then and that stuck with me was: “I create a safe and secure space for myself wherever I am”.

That was very powerful because it was the start of building self-trust, of turning inwards in moments and spaces where I felt lost. To have my own back and realizing, I can create a safer space for me by leaving a situation or just taking a breather in the bathroom, you name it – that made me trust myself and love myself for it.

Another huge thing that helped me cultivate that self-love and care was honesty. The courage to being honest to myself and to others. And I mean radical honesty.

What is radical honesty? you might ask. It means answering questions without the little voice in the back of your head asking: but what will xyz think about this? Instead answer from the heart, from the gut. Be real.

Oftentimes being honest puts us in very uncomfortable places. It can highlight a truth we’d rather not see. Radical honesty comes with responsibility and accountability. It comes with getting to know ourselves on a very deep level. And of course we are not perfect, so things about us may come to the surface where we feel great shame about and/or just dislike.

Good news is: self-love is not about liking these parts, it is about accepting them. Embracing them. Welcoming them with love and kindness, with empathy and grace. Self-love is about realizing that even though there are these parts I’d rather not have, they are still part of me. They make me, me. They are here for a reason, and I am still loveable. I am still enough. I am still worthy and have always been.

Showing up authentically with all quirks, all “good and bad” parts is the practice of accepting and embracing all of you. This honesty betters not only the quality of the relationship to yourself but also to others. Like bell hooks said: “Where there is deception there can’t be love. (…) Telling the truth is love.”  

Being honest and being real is definitely a challenge because quickly you will realize that the people around you either get with it or leave you because of it. At the end of the day, either we realize we weren’t a match and were just playing a part – or people simply cannot handle the truth. This can be emotionally exhausting and a practice to stand your ground and not doubt yourself – but I swear, your life will change for the better.

Why?

Because when your core, your soul and your values are centered in your life and decisions, everything you lose along the way becomes worth what you gain.

If you are looking for a sign to finally get started on this journey – not because you feel prepared or ready, but because you decide to risk it all for YOURSELF – then here it is. And let me tell you, you already have everything you need. Because the journey of self-love is not actually finding yourself – it is about returning to yourself.

That said: Buckle up, you are IN for a ride.