I'm a flawed human

I’m a flawed human. Yes. I am so FLAWED. And no this is not some type of reverse psychology. I wish I could sing along to Flawless by Beyoncé and actually feel it. I don’t.

I think this is the first time I’m saying this from the bottom of my heart and actually embracing the fact that yes, I am such a flawed human.

Went on a walk and talked to myself (you can call me crazy, luckily I don't care because this is a different type of therapy for me and it actually works) and that’s when the thought came up for me.

I was tired of being dishonest with myself, with other people. I don’t even mean big lies but these little lies. Lies because I was afraid. Afraid of what others are gonna say, what others are gonna think, how others are gonna react. I was afraid of admitting things I’d rather not say out loud. Things that make me feel naked because these are such vulnerable thoughts.

And you might argue that some people just don’t deserve our honesty or vulnerability. What I am experiencing right now though is the discomfort I feel from not being authentically myself, from not being honest, especially in the little things. Because the little things pile up and then it just suppresses parts of me more and more, and with time, I get so exhausted from it, I feel caged up to a point where I feel like I’m not breathing.

While I talked about this, I got frustrated and realized it was never about other people, but this is about how I want to feel in my body. When I am honest with myself and with other people, I feel free. When I allow myself to be vulnerable, I not only accept what is there, but I also actually embrace all parts of me.

I’m so tired of hiding, I’m so tired of putting away parts of me that might scare people away. The fear is valid, but I just cannot let the fear get in the way of me actually living my life.

Living life, to me, means being in the now and me being in the now means NOT postponing the things I want to do or say to a later point in life which I might never get. Because who really knows what will happen tomorrow or even in an hour? Who really does know for sure? I for sure know that I don’t.

And I’d rather put my brave pants on, take my fear by the hand and live as this chaotic, growing, evolving, flawed human that I am, rather than pretending as if I always know the right thing to do or to say because guess what – it puts an extreme pressure on myself which I just cannot bear anymore.

Me embracing that I am actually (ALLOWED to be) a flawed human being (which honestly just comes automatically with the “being human”-part) is SUCH a relief. A relief I have been looking for the past few weeks. The past few weeks felt SO heavy and me realizing this now, is so freeing.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not gonna do a 180 and suddenly do unhinged things lol. This is just me learning to let go of (unrealistic) expectations of myself and letting go of what other people think of me because that was never and will never be something I’m in control of.

A manifesto and a love letter to myself. Yes, I am a beautifully flawed human, I will not always have all the answers, I will be in the present moment and live, which means trying to navigate life in the most honest way possible. I trust that this radical honesty will bring me peace and a sense of freedom from whatever chains I’ve been putting on myself.