One year ago I married myself.

A reflection on the last 365 days

On October 26th 2025, I said yes to myself.

I celebrated the immense love I felt for myself, which was one of the biggest milestones in my life, since I had been struggling with self-worth and self-love for most of my life. On top of that, the wedding was also a celebration of love in all its forms: the love for the people around me, the love I feel for everything that nature and this Earth is gifting us, and all the joyful little moments in between. And I had embraced a full kind of love, which does not always mean sunshine and happiness. Because on the other side of it, there is grief, there is love that gets lost.

I decided to marry myself because for the first time in my life I truly embraced all my imperfections. This love I felt made me feel deep gratitude for this very imperfect, messy, chaotic, but also so beautiful, amazing and joyful life that I have been given - for the people that make it worth living, and gratitude to myself, who created the life that I never could’ve even dreamt of.

That is now one year ago. And I have to be honest: the high of emotions, of bliss, of joy, of love, that I felt not just on the day itself, but in the months leading up to it and even a few months after, didn't stay. 2026 came around, and slowly but surely, I was losing touch with my inner center, my inner guidance. I lost that peace that kept me grounded for a long time.

I felt lost. When I think of that day now, these moments of joy feel so distant and I long to have that feeling again. Me writing this is literally the first time I'm sitting down and processing all the things that happened this past year. And right now, I'm just trying to find a silver lining in all of this.

So, let's rewind

The day I married myself, I was on cloud nine. I celebrated in a close circle of family and friends, and it really was one of the most wonderful days in my life. This beautiful, loving energy had a great impact on me for a while.

And then the new year, 2026, came around, and some major things happened between the day I married myself and today.

At the beginning of the year, I said goodbye to one of my greatest loves in this life. Someone who has been such a huge part of my life for more than a decade. It's still difficult for me to think about it, and I'm still grieving and healing. Without going into more detail, I can say that this was the right decision for me, but also one of the most difficult decisions I had to make. That grief put me into a very low place, which totally makes sense, because I know how much love there was and still is.

While that relationship ended, I experienced multiple situations where people put projections and false accusations onto me, which had an impact on my personal and work life. I had to learn not to get irritated and to stay true to myself and my truth.

Additionally, I was put in front of many big and small decisions, in work and in life, that really overwhelmed me. The longer a decision takes, the harder it gets - and suddenly making any decision felt like a burden to me. My system got so used to being challenged by the smallest decisions that I now feel like I don't know anything anymore.

I can't tell you exactly when this happened. It was a very blurry transition. But here we are - I developed this voice that tells me I can't make any right decision, and I still somehow have to show up, do my day-to-day things and make them anyway.

So, I think what happened this year is that I kind of got lost amid everything and everyone moving so fast. It felt like I was swimming but not moving forward at all.

The past few months were marked by so many endings and multiple new beginnings: People. Projects. And in September, another big thing happened - I transitioned from being an employee of 7 years to being a freelancer.

Let’s be real, everybody has to make decisions and everyone is going through life transitions. So maybe you're asking yourself: what is the f*ckn problem?

My f*ckn problem is that I am grieving. Grieving everything I felt on that wedding day and the months beforehand, prepping in excitement; reminiscing the way I loved myself in all my ways.

I found myself blaming and shaming myself again for so many things. How did I end up here? Where did the gentleness go?

All I want, is to be kind to myself again. Not because I am doing everything perfectly, but because I am very much in need of love and kindness right now.

Conclusions

I had this blog entry, or at least the idea for it, planned since the beginning of the year. And I think there's a reason why I procrastinated until the day before to actually sit down, take time, and think about what happened since that day. Because deep down, I knew I wasn't going to have anything super positive or hopeful to say, that it would be an entry I didn't plan to write.

In my head, at the beginning of the year, I thought I could tell you so much about how the love for myself has flourished, has grown, and the way it shows up in my life. But right now, it just feels like I've been moving backwards.

So, what is it then that I would like to say to close this unplanned but real entry?

My takeaway is this: the big thing that stays from the wedding is the fact, that the relationship I have with myself is the most important one. And even though things are more grey and cloudy for me right now, there's no one I'd give my forever to except myself.

Even though things could be better currently, I will push through. I will persist. For me. I will not give up on me, and I will keep moving through my day-to-day and try to find small little things I can do, that help me heal to come back to that self-love and acceptance again.

And instead of clinging onto who I was on my wedding day, I'd rather create a new version of me. A new version of me that fits the person that I am today.

So yes, I married myself. And do I feel the love for myself right now? I can't fully, confidently say that I do. Yes, I feel for myself, I have empathy towards myself… but love?

Maybe it's not about saying "I love you" confidently. Maybe it's about putting actions before words. Acting in a way that shows that I care for myself, that there is love for myself. And then eventually, I will come back to my grounded inner center. The one that knows exactly who I am. Why I'm here. That I am more than enough. And that I am deserving of love.

And the first act I will do is give myself all the time that I need.

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P.S. While reviewing what I wrote so far, I looked back at my vows from that day which were the following:

I promise that I will take care of you, even when it's not easy and even when I am tired.

I promise that I will hold you in moments of grief and loneliness.

I promise that I will always have faith in you, your dreams, and your visions, and that I will always support you.

I promise that I will remind you of the light and love in your heart, especially when it gets dark.

I promise that I will continue to love you, in all of your phases, with all your emotions, through the deepest lows and highest highs of life.

I promise that as long as I am able to, we will dance, we will keep moving.

And surprisingly, I can confidently say I held all my promises, except the one about loving myself in all of my phases. This actually made me feel way better and pushed me even more to be gentle with myself, because I am doing the best that I can. 🤍